Disappointed in Denerim
by spartanhead
Summary: Fem!Aeducan and Alistair get drunk and grumbly about how unfavorably their day has turned out. Rated M for language, just in case.


**AN: Just a lovely bit of crack for your reading pleasure. As always, constructive criticism is welcome.**

**Disclaimer: BioWare owns everything forever. But, just so you know BioWare, my birthday _is _coming up...**

The Lady Aeducan (or just _Grey Warden_ now, fucking Bhelen) was slumped over a table at the Gnawed Noble in Denerim, her chin resting on the worn wood as she stared miserably into the middle distance, surrounded by empty ale mugs. She had been in the grand city for less than a day and already it was her least favorite place in all of Ferelden. She had unexpectedly run into Gorim, the one person she had been trying to find in the months since her hasty escape from the Deep Roads, which should have made her freaking year. Except that it _totally sucked. _She had expected a warm welcome, a joyful reunion. Instead she got an incredibly awkward "would if I could, but I'm kinda married now" speech, the blighted shield of Aeducan (which she was currently considering hurling at Gorim's head), and a note from her father that she couldn't bring herself to read yet. After that lovely little meeting, she had made a beeline for the nearest tavern and was trying to drink herself into oblivion. A plan of action that was only somewhat hindered by the fact she was chugging the _weakest fucking ale_ in all of Thedas.

An equally disgruntled looking Alistair dropped into the chair next to hers and immediately downed two pints of the swill. She raised an eyebrow. In the back of her alcohol-fogged brain, she remembered that she'd never seen him drink before, and hadn't she heard somewhere he couldn't hold his liquor to save is life? Not like her, though. She was already through with her eleventy-seventh ale and she could barely feel the effects of it.

"Today sucks." Alistair started when she broke the silence between them, as though he hadn't noticed she was there. He downed the rest of his mug and motioned at the bar wench for a refill. "Sh'yeah," he slurringly agreed, "lots o' stuff sucks today."

"You know what else sucks?" She still hadn't lifted her chin from the table.

"What's that?"

"People. People suck. All of 'em."

"_Maker's breath_, they do. Really, really do."

There was a brief pause as they sucked down more ale.

Alistair looked at her askance. "…...Do I suck?"

"At what?"

"No, I mean, you said everyone sucks. Wha'bout me?"

She gave him a long, thoughtful stare.

"This is taking you a lot longer to answer than I had initially hoped."

"'S a serious question; deserves a serious answer."

"And? Wha's the verdict?"

"…...Less."

"What?"

"Less. You suck less that everyone else sucks. Everyone important to me in my whole damn life has betrayed me horribly. Except you. Yet. The way my luck's been running, I'm due for a particularly nasty betrayal from you aaaaaaany day now."

"Well tha's hardly fair. Why would I betray you?"

"Why did any of the others betray me? Everybody's out for themselves. Maybe it's best if we learn that early."

"So you think I'm just out for myself?"

"Aren't you?"

"Well, what about you, miss grumpy-bitter-drunk-pants; aren't _you_ just out for _yourself_? By your logic, doesn't that mean _you'll_ betray _me_?"

"Why would I betray _you_? I never betrayed anybody!"

"We should make out."

"Yeah, we- wait, what?"

"HA HA HA I'm drunk and saying meaningless things!"

"Oh."

"…..You sounded a little disappointed there."

"And you sounded a little hopeful. Do you _want_ to make out with me?"

"Why, do you _want me_ to want to make out with you?"

"Why does that matter? Would me wanting you to want to make out with me make you want to make out with me if you hadn't previously wanted to make out with me?"

"…..What?"

Leliana suddenly joined them, plopping down with a heavy sigh at their table. She looked woe-begotten and tired. Not to mention she was absolutely covered in blood.

"What happened to you?"

"I ran into an old lover of mine today," she said, grabbing a yet unclaimed mug of ale and downing it professionally.

"Did you run into him really, really hard? 'Cause that's a lot of blood," Alistair asked over the rim of his drink.

"No, I killed her with knives. She betrayed me and left me to a torturous death in Orlais."

"Man, betrayers fucking suck!" Leliana and the former Lady Aeducan clinked their glasses together in camaraderie of betray-ees.

Alistair seemed to catch up with the conversation. "Wait, did you say 'she'?"

"Yeah Alistair, didn't you know? Leliana's totally down with the fairer sex."

"That is incredibly hot."

"I'm sad and need a pick-me-up," Leliana said decisively, standing up. "I'm going to go chat up that hot waitress and pick her up. Which will pick _me_ up."

Alistair watched Leliana depart towards a comely bar wench. "So. Incredibly. Hot."

"Is that a human thing? This male obsession with seeing two women together?"

"What, like there aren't any lesbian dwarves?"

"Not really, no."

"Wait, really?"

"At least, I've never met one. I mean, you have _seen_ male dwarves, haven't you?"

"I'm not really a qualified judge on that point."

They returned to quietly draining ale and watched Leliana ferociously make out with the aforementioned bar wench.

"You know, I don't think I could ever tire of that."

"What, watching two women rut on each other or making out with Leliana?"

"I don't want to make out with Leliana."

"Yeah, I didn't really want to either."

"…...What."

"Oh, you didn't know about that? She tried to woo me for a while there. Kinda couldn't keep her off of me. You seem to miss a lot of things that happen at camp, Alistair."

Alistair responded eloquently with, "Hurglegurlgeghhhhhhhh."

"Oh stop, nothing actually happened between us."

"Oh yes it did. It's happening right now. In my brain. That is good stuff."

"Hey, weren't you supposed to go meet your sister?"

"Harpy shrew-bitch, bride of the archdemon." He raised his mug in mock salute.

"So I take it things went well."

"What was your first clue?"

"Well, it might have been the excessive drinking, but I think it was the "harpy shrew-bitch" part that really nailed things down for me."

"What about you? I thought you had a friend here?"

"Lying man-whore who forgot about me the second I wasn't actually in front of him."

"Oh, right, excessive drinking. So today is a good day all-around."

"Certainly seems that way."

They swallowed a few more pints of ale while Leliana and the comely bar wench were openly groping one another and tearing at each other's clothing. Delighted patrons were starting to whistle and throw money at them.

"Oh good, our drinks will be paid for."


End file.
